Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
