As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
