i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
