You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
