thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think people are normalizing furries
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
