shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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