I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
