I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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