did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
