I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
