Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
