y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
