Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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