If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
