for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
