I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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