in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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