i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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