My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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