So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
