this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
