We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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