Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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