I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
