woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
