He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just want nice things and good sex
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
