Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
