I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
