I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
