i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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