If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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