Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
