I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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