Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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