i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
