and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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