apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
