My boss' voice literally gives me gas
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
