K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
