My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish you could order shots online.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
