it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
