I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
