I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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