We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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