Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
