The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
