so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
