a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
