my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
