do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
