listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
